Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
