my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
