Already got asked if we're dating
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
