You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
