i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
