Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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