I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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