She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
