I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
