a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
