please come you make the beer taste better
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
