For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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