Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
