dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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