I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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