I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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