Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
