I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
