My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
