So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
