Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
