my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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