Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
