A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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