life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
