you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
