I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
