ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
