Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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