"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i black out too much to be "responsible"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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