quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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