A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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