so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Say something about gay babies.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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