I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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