Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
