i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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