i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
