final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
