No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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