So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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