Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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