i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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