So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
