Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
