im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
