do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
