Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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