And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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