I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
