i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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