my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
